I have been thinking for ages about what I could write, a million thoughts swim around my head. This time of year evokes so many feelings, some familiar and some which lay buried deep within.
The ones buried deep sit low, deep down waiting for the right time to invite me to delve deep and look a little closer.
Winter Solstice has come round once again, the darkness ever present, the night sky looming over head and the shadows dancing along the ground.
I believe within darkness lays a beauty, so strong, powerful and breathtaking that it makes the darkness shift to a place of wonderment. A place of imagination, creativity and playfulness.
So today I attended a guided mediation and healing circle to acknowledge the shift of light and to delve deep into my own darkness.
The darkness was comforting, I knew the darkness it felt familiar like a old jumper, one that would shelter me from the wind, providing warmth and comfort.
I danced and played in the darkness, listened to what it had to say and noted that from knowing my darkness and my shadows it gave me more permission to be me.
I wrote these words just after the meditation.
Be creative ,
embrace all that is you.
In the darkness,
there is light.
Bask in the darkness’s delight.
know your shadow,
know your light ,
be free in the beauty of the night.
So all though the sky is dark, the festive season is upon us and I am acutely aware I do not have children, I do not feel lost, or uneasy, I am looking forward to time to just be me.
Over the past years, I have hidden, run away and denied the darkness, the feelings of loneliness and isolation, but mostly I rejected myself for not fitting into the social norm of having a family of my own.
But today I stand grounded and present and accepting of myself. I have a family of my own, Phil my husband and Sil our Spanish rescue dog.
We have a home, a fire to curl up in front off and time to be just us.
I can do the things I love, draw and paint, go hillwalking and have the freedom to pause, reflect and see that through the darkness lays beauty, and for me that beauty is my life.
Happy winter solstice
illustration by Jon Klassen