About a year ago I stepped into a room, there were chairs all in a circle and I was handed a candle, a candle that I was to light as I took my seat in the space.
I was taken on a guided mediation, the images were live, real, like I could almost touch them, I felt my imagination weave a narrative presenting different versions of self. One at my present age, one of the 15-year-old girl and one of a figure I now hold dear to my heart, my elder part of self.
I often visualise this older part of self, I have a clear distinct picture of what she feels like in my minds eye, and I often thin about creating illustrations of her, but yet somehow the time is not quite right.
Now why I am saying all of this…
Last night I stated a therapeutic writing course, part of the session was to write a note to your self and to start the note with a term of endearment.
Below feels so poignant and true, and my elder self yet again presented herself.
We all have ways, which ground us, bring us back into self, and writing is one for me.
Last night as I wrote the words flowed, and the pages crinkled under the sound of the pen pressing hard, desperate to make their mark, made the words heard, make my inner thoughts alive and present on the lines in front of me.
This is what I wrote:
Remove the blocks, untether your boat, let the helm glide over the water, let nature guide you – in its rawest form, you were birthed, gifted this body, gifted this life, this presence. Your body is just that, a true reflection of all that you have overcome and are yet to experience.
That tall, weathered tattooed woman you hold so dear in your mind-set is you, you’re starting to understand, to walk her path to become her, for you are her.
Trust her, be guided by her, she will lead you into the depths of nature, into the depths of your psyche – to learn all that is you and to discover more. You are on your own pilgrimage- one you need to honour and take time to embrace.
You are her and she is you.
Words tethered together appeared to encapsulate my exact feelings, where I am right now in my life. Reflecting all that I have overcome and all that I am to become. The life I lead, the path I tread I have said many a time that it is unique to me. It has been full of many twists and turns, ups and downs, but in the last few years I have found ways to tap to my story, to find my voice and not be quietened by the hushed tones of others. The comparisons have faded away, leaving me understanding that my life is valuable, my life as a woman without children is valuable, my thoughts, feelings and ways of being are valued, and all that I have experienced to date brings me to this point right now right here, in the creaky old beautiful wooden chair, the Scottish sunshine shining through the window and nature beckoning me into her beauty.
As I sign off I want to acknowledge that life is still not without its raw parts, buy finding ways to support myself has aided the process of becoming gradually more comfortable in my own skin.