Hi beautiful souls, I’m Rachel, Aussie born, 42 and a childless mother of angel babies. Just like so many of my fellow Childless Not By Choice Sista’s around the world, this wasn’t how I had imagined or planned my life to be. This is my story of how I rose up regardless and stand proud of who I am and of my soul’s assignment to support other women to do the same.
I was married young, with a clear vision and desire to be a young mum. However, with a diagnosis of PCOS (Poly cystic ovarian syndrome) at an early age, my journey to motherhood has been one of heart break and painful losses. Every woman’s journey is uniquely different, mine is no exception.
By age 30, Infertility had taken a toll on my whole wellbeing, my sense of self-worth and eventually my marriage. I found temporary comfort in excessive drinking and I went looking for love in all the wrong places, leading me to toxic relationship after relationship. I hated who I had become, I was angry & bitter with life, full of resentment and jealousy, I fought of suicidal thoughts, my self-worth lowest it had ever been. I remember feeling completely worthless as a woman and even more so as a potential wife. I had shut my heart down to the possibility of ever loving or being loved again, believing my thought pattern of “I am unlovable” and I’d reached a point I didn’t believe it was possible to feel any other way. In my eyes, I felt destined to be all alone in my old age, I pictured myself in a rocking chair knitting, still sad and still painfully alone, no husband who’d want me, no children, grandchildren or even great grandchildren.
I began facing off with my childless life and future as I turned 35, it was a year of deep sadness and grieving. This time it was a different level of suffocating grief, I suffered in silence and shame of who I was, not wanting to burden anyone with my sadness or admit I was feeling like a failure. My grief soon turned into depression which began manifesting into physical illness, month after month. My drinking had become my go to medicine as I hid my pain. I craved normal! I wanted to be at Mum and Bub groups, I wanted to be invited to family BBQ’s and camping trips, I wanted to be seen, valued and included. Instead, I found myself lost, not knowing where I belonged or fit in to society. Instead here I was, in an unknown arena that felt like I was the only one standing in.
My turning point begun in 2015. It had been a little over 2yrs since my young niece was diagnosed with an aggressive bone cancer that threatened to take her precious life. In February 2015, she won her battle with doctors declaring her N.E.D. (No Evidence of Disease). Witnessing my niece’s courage, bravery and resilience during and post treatment was nothing short of inspiring and a catalyst that begun me looking at life with a whole new outlook and perspective.
So, begun my own personal healing and recovery journey. Here’s what I knew with certainty in my heart, I no longer wanted to feel suffering, I only wanted to feel happiness and joy. I no longer saw the sense in continuing living the way I was if I wasn’t feeling true happiness or aliveness. So, with this as my main guide, I knew change must happen and it must happen quickly, because what I had come to learn from many weekends spent in a children’s cancer ward, tomorrow is never guaranteed!
With the support of an amazing life coach, I began the road to heal my heart and I leant all the way in! Delving in deep, exploring, creating and designing life however I wanted it to be, without limitations, judgement, guilt or doubt, a life I wanted to feel excited to wake up to every day and at the end of each day feel fulfillment and gratitude.
Life as it is now has evolved incredibly! I’ve opened doors for my life that I never imagined were even possible! I’ve explored what sets my soul on fire, I’ve regained my health and now enjoy a sober vibrant life. Part of my healing journey lead me to live and work abroad for a few years in China teaching children English. It’s a journey I’ll forever love myself for having said YES to! I wasn’t just a teacher but a student, learning so much about who I am, who I can be, and that I am so much MORE than a woman who can’t have her own children. I discovered I am an amazing visionary, inspirational travel writer, a natural creative artist, performer, teacher, lightworker and healer. I have a whole new level of unstoppable confidence, self-belief and excitement for my future.
I was blessed meeting and marrying the love of my life before leaving China in 2018, a man full of compassion and unconditional love. We share a mutual love and passion for teaching children and in 2019 secured land in the heart of West Africa Ghana (my husband’s country of origin), we are now in plans to build an international inclusive school in honour of my niece, her courageous long battle with cancer and for my children who were too precious for earth, instead my arms wide open to love, nurture and mother a tribe of children.
Harnessing my gift of childlessness to create positive impact in my community and world is my soul’s assignment and mission. I have a strong sense of purpose, belonging and passion to live my best life and to be an inspiration not only to myself, but to my family, community and the people I connect with globally.
Does it mean I no longer experience grief or the usual triggers of childlessness? Not at all, I surrender to the moments, allowing more heart expansion and healing for my life.
To find out more about the work that Rachel offers you can find more information on Instagram .
You can follow the building of Abbi Rose Academy and watch as it develops changes and transforms.